How to Torture an Introvert

Distant. Cold. Lazy.

That’s how people see me. I don’t mind. I can’t help how they think. I don’t really care about correcting them either. If someone won’t bother understanding me before judging me, then I can’t be bothered trying to make them.

If, however, I have irritated you enough to want to torture me, here are some ideas on how you may do it because I am a lovely human being that way.

Like any torture chamber, you need to understand the concept first.


People think that being an introvert means being shy or a homebody. It isn’t. An extrovert is energized by interaction with people. An introvert is energized by solitude. Introverts process ideas and thoughts alone. We are not necessarily shy. We just are simply not wired to initiate and/or sustain long social interaction, whether or not it involves people with whom we have a tight relationship. We spend energy when we interact with other people. We recuperate by being alone. We are not assholes.

We don’t hate people (except a few… or several more than a few). We just get tired of the interaction.  
We are perfectly capable of performing, talking to or presenting before a crowd. In fact, we enjoy it and we may actually be good at it. This is because we don’t necessarily interact when we perform or present. It is, more or less, one way. We do our thing, the crowd watches or listens. It is when we are expected to actively participate in a social activity that we spend energy. I hope you get it by now. 

Social interaction tires us out. We enjoy it but we have our limits. Think sports. You may enjoy basketball or swimming but at some point, you will get tired. It’s social interaction for us. So, if there is someone in your life who is an introvert and you want to torture them, here are some tips.

#1 - Party

Go ahead and drop us in a sea of people because introverts are perfectly fine mingling and participating in activities that require us to speak our mind and/or respond to the thoughts of others. It is best if these parties don’t have a lot of tables and chairs because that would force people to go around in groups and interact more. Add lots of strangers in the crowd for good measure.

#2 - Make them Initiate or Participate in Small Talks

Introverts are reaaaaaaaaaaally interested in talking about superficial things with people with whom they have superficial relationship. Oh! That makes their day. You know, talk about the weather, which fastfood serves the best burger, where to get the cheapest bed sheets and the latest single of Joe Jonas.

#3 - Don't Leave Them Alone

Whenever you see an introvert looking to get some alone time, rush and pull that damn bitch back at the party! Don’t let her go.

#4 - Long Phone Calls about Nothing

It’s been a day of not seeing the introvert. Dial the number and say hello and then start talking about, you know, nothing. Like how your day went and the latest fashion trend or the ants in your room. Talk about what’s been happening in the lives of your friends or your love life because it’s not enough to force introverts to interact with people. Get your game on force them to talk with a machine!

#5 - Expect or Force Them to Talk

Never give them a chance to be alone and process their own thoughts in solitude. Make them talk Politics, Religion, Health and Money, for good measure. Actually, anything uber personal and intimate will do. Force them to say their thoughts out loud and then interrupt them to clarify points as they do it.

#6 - Fail to Honor Your Word

So, when you make a commitment to an introvert, say, agree to watch a movie over the weekend. It is better if you are firm about your plan but vague about the details. Once the “date” is sealed, forget about it. Better yet, just don’t show up. It’s bad enough for you to do it on anyone, imagine doing it to someone who needs to rest for days in order to prepare for a full day of social interaction and then have nothing to gain after all the preparation. The best!

#7 - Invade the Personal Space

Hug them. Touch them. Nudge them. Smile and ask how they are EACH TIME you see them. Bonus points if you work with them and constantly run into them in the office or if you go to the same school as they do. Give that freakin’ introvert the loooooove!

#8 - Help Them Become 'Sociable'

Never fail to drag them to every social event you can get your hands on and coach them on how to become an extrovert. Give them a lecture and put that bastard on a field test! If that doesn’t kill him, he is not a real introvert.

#9 - Blind Date

Now that you know those damn introverts hate small talks, strangers and social interaction, what better way to torture those introverts but to combine all those. Set up that introvert up for a blind date. Make sure the other party is either a talking machine or another introvert, exhaustion or awkwardness!

#10 - One-on-One with an Acquaintance

If you are feeling lazy, you need not do something complicated. Send that introvert to a store run and then announce last minute that someone that introvert barely know will accompany him to the store. Watch that simple store run turn into a journey to hell.

And there you have it. Ten perfect ways to kick us towards insanity. Now, find that introvert you hate and give him or her a big hug!


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