Signs You Are Old

When you’re in your 20s, people compliment you for looking good, period. You near your 40s and people start saying “you look good for your age”. Yeah? Compared to what? Death?

 If you ever find yourself in this situation, before you slap that b*tch, go through the list and see whether or not you are, in fact, old and closer to your final resting place.

1- You are on Facebook

Because dude, who wants what they did last night be recorded in internet history for the next generation to see. Who wants to be accountable for their actions? Youth evolves FAST... like, you know... tadpoles. So delete that Facebook account! IF you can’t do it, well, you’re not just old, you’re also ancient.

2- You bend down and you realize you are royally f*cked because how the hell do you stand back up?

When did that freakin’ floor become so low? More importantly, why the hell did you have to touch the floor? You could have picked that damn thing up with the fingers of your foot or ask your children to pick it up for you. If all else fails, you could have just left the poor floor alone.
Tip: If you can’t stand straight, just go ahead and dive for the floor and take a god d@mn nap right freakin’ there.

3- You think the 90s was last decade

Newsflash! Google is more than a decade old. Britney Spears has two kids. Teens of this generation won’t recognize the sound of a dial up. It’s been more than a decade since Friends aired its last episode. More importantly, it’s been a over a decade since Pluto has been declared not a planet and nobody uses CD anymore. Geez.

4- Someone says ship and you think of a large buoyant watercraft

FYI, a ship is a celebrity make believe or real life couple. Stop making a fool of yourself and start shipping Taylor Swift and… whoever the hell is she dating now.

5- You still match your bag with your shoes

Nothing shows your age better than your fashion choices. Yes, your bag and shoes need to “go together” as every piece of what you are wearing should. However, matching your bags and shoes WAS a trend. Trends end. That one ended like, a decade ago or something.

6- Someone is studying an event that happened 20 years ago and you watched the live coverage

Destruction of the Berlin Wall. Any of Kobe Bryant’s championships. Turn over of HongKong to China. Justin Bieber’s first YouTube post. Phelps’ first Olympics.

7- You start researching for the best laundry detergent

You spend part of your time researching about the best laundry detergent, dishwasher and other domestic stuff because there is no excuse for being ripped off by multi-nationals. Your pride won’t take it. Yup! You’re old.

8- You see torn jeans and you want to sew it

You never want to look homeless. A decent person should always look presentable and ripped jeans are worn by construction workers. You need to sew those jeans or cut them to turn them into decent jeans shorts but wearing a torn one is just plain stupid, right? Of course, you’re old.

9- You ask your friends to set you up with someone when you are looking for a date

Ever heard of swipe right and swipe left?

10- Liking the new boyband’s abs makes you feel like a pedophine

Sure, Demi Moore married someone 16 years her junior but you are not Demi Moore and staring at those boyband members’ abs feels like it can land you in jail. Bitch, you were already making out with someone when those boyband members came out of their mother’s womb. They were probably barely even talking by the time you had your first kiss.

11- You can’t eat anything with oil without a series of unfortunate events

Anything with too much oil could earn you a trip to the toilet every two minutes. Those seafood raises your blood pressure so high, your spirit gets closer to heaven. Anything over 500 calories converts itself to fats around your belly, butt and legs. Actually, anything you eat becomes a catalyst of diseases instead of nourishment.

12- You are on your way to a party and you are starting to think of ways how you can leave early

Your pyjamas, your bed and your favorite soap is really a more fun party and a bunch of people in stilettos, spaghetti straps and ridiculously expensive lipsticks.

13- You learn someone doesn’t like you and you SINCERELY don't give a f*ck

Because no one has an unlimited supply of “f*ck” to give.

If you can relate to at least three of these, congratulations, you are old.

If you don’t want to admit relating to any of these, congratulations, you are hypocrite old woman/man.

If you seriously can’t relate to any of these, wait several more years. We’ll be here waiting.


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